Doing a dance with God.

I am a mommy.
I am sad when she doesn't want to hug me.
I am sad when she doesn't obey.
I am sad when she would rather watch Mickey Mouse than snuggle.
I am sad when she does bad things.
I rejoice when I hear her pray.
I rejoice when she shares her toys.
I rejoice when she kisses me, Hugs me and snuggles me.
I rejoice because I am hers, and she is mine.

The same can be said of God and us, his children.
He is sad when we don't talk to Him, spend time with Him.
He is sad when we choose to commit the same sin we asked forgiveness for the day before.
He is sad when we would rather watch Desperate Housewives than be still and listen to what He has to say.
God rejoices when we choose to stand up for the less fortunate, for the bullied, for the hungry.

If you are a parent, you understand God's love for us, only His love is much greater. Which believe me is hard to understand, because I love me some Lillian.

I have life lessons (too much for one post!) that have conditioned me to love people of all walks of life. And while I don't quite know what my calling is for this life, I do know (thanks Amanda!) that as long as I love the ones who need it most, give my compassion to the suffering, do the small things that God is asking me to do on a daily basis to make this world a little happier, I have succeeded.

All I can hope is one day He makes it clear my exact reason for being here with you beautiful people.
Until then, I will love on the ones who need it most and pray for those suffering with addiction, the homeless, the poor, the lost because that comes easy to me.

He hasn't brought me through life, made my past to not let it help my future.

I am awesome..

Lillian has become very good at stalling before bedtime these days. She has a routine we do EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  Recently however, she has tried to find new things to keep her out of her bed longer.

Tonight I put her to bed after brushing her teeth, we turned on her music, turned on her mobile, we prayed, I rubbed her little head and I told her what she would do when she woke up (As I do every night)

Wasn't long before I heard her yelling "go pee pee potty mommy!" "I get OUT mama" ect...

I go in to tell her to lay down and she asks me to rock her...and don't think for a second I could turn that down...she's only little for a season.

As I was rocking her, I whispered to her that she was the best gift God had ever given me, she was my miracle and my most favorite blessing. I told her I loved her and kissed her forehead, that's when she looked up at me and said these simple words.. "mommy, you are awesome."  My heart is so happy, my cup is over flowing and  Lillian Elizabeth just made my entire reason for living worth it. 

As all mommies do, I love my daughter, but hearing her express it back, is nothing short of the greatest thing I have experienced in this chapter of my life.

Reflections.

As the days are approaching to when I have a birthday girl AND Mother's Day, I can't help but to be beyond thankful. 

Exactly two years ago (two whole years) I was on bed rest, my sweet tiny baby did not want to grow and I had biweekly scans and office visits to check Lillian's IUGR.

Lillian came into this world with a bang, a scary bang. She was tiny and delivered via pretty emergent c-section. The moment I heard her little voice crying my entire world stopped. I died, the old me died. I was now responsible for a tiny human. I had to make sure she was comfortable, fed and happy. The most important thing to me is for my child to feel loved 100% of the time. 

My job as her mommy surpasses any other job God could ever throw my way. 

Two years ago I was unsure if my child would even make it to birth, I spent an entire weekend googling, typing on wet keys from my tears. Now, my almost two year old is spunky, sassy and brilliant.

I will celebrate Mother's Day 2013 by wiping noses, kissing boo boos, potty training and stealing kisses from my little lady.

 Lillian and I have gone through a lot together. 

We are the ultimate team, just me, jake and our little miracle.  

I love you so much my resilient baby girl. Even if you don't always think so. 

The beginning of a healthy journey

Since having Miss. L, I have had some extra weight. That's only obvious. I have lost 20 pounds since having my little sidekick, but I still have a lot to loose. 

I am past the point of just  wanting to loose weight, I want to be healthy. I want my family to be healthy. 

So, here it starts, the beginning of my journey...

I am writing this on my blog because I simply need to be held responsible. I need people to ask about my progress. I need to be accountable. 

I started my journey earlier this week when I decided to start weening myself off of my zoloft. I have to take zoloft for anxiety. I have prayed to God to get me through this. I have prayed for him to comfort me as I go off of a medicine that keeps me from panic attacks. I have already purchased my St. John's Wart, I will begin taking that as soon as I have weened myself off, I am ready to rid my body of toxins and replace it with all natural supplements. I am happy to report that as of now, I have not had one panic attack. Not even a little one. I am at peace, God has gotten me through way worst. 

Here goes nothing, advice and tips are extremely welcome...

Today's grocery store visit was a lot more colorful than usual. I have never purchased Kale, honestly didn't even know what to look for. Took my healthy treasures home, cleaned and prepared for the coming week.

Tonight's shake was gross.  I forgot the advise I had been given and made my shake with 4 vegetables and 3.5 fruits. lesson learned. It was thick, green and extremely healthy. 

Lillian couldn't get enough though, my little health nut.

So here goes nothing....I will post my progress and I cannot wait to see what my healthy future holds.

Going to bed a little smarter.

Today was a good day. Typical in some ways and out of this world weird in others. Lillian and I had a few extra visitors with is heading to nanny and papas. My sister Kristen AND my childhood best friend, Kristen. (Dont ask, for 13 years it has been confusing)

As always, I learned a few lessons today...
1. Don't take your grandmothers Lasiks.
2. Don't let your friends go shopping with you.
3. How chickens are made.
4. Don't burn your own trash.

You may remember from one of my last post that nanny and papa had a baby goat. Well, our family had further expanded and twin goats were born this week! Of course, we HAD to go play with them. My baby sister picked up and snuggled Roger, he was the baby featured on the last post about the goats. He yelled a little but I think he was just declaring his love for us! Anyways, while we were there we went in the chicken pin and decided to feed those feathered freaks. I just can't trust a chicken. We had the "chicken and the egg" talk and I was taught exactly what roll the rooster plays in the hatching of a little chick! Who knew.

With all the excitement from playing with goats and feeding chickens I made a large amount of bathroom dashes. I woke up this morning feeling "puffy" I made sure she had taken her Lasiks and said " I should take one, I'm bloated" next thing I know I'm swallowing a little white pill and i had no clue just how many times one person could pee. I bet I could describe every inch of Nannys bathroom now. Lesson learned.

Also while at nannys, their neighbor who is old like them ;-) decided he would burn his own garbage while he tinkered in his yard. Next thing he knows a can exploded and his yard is on fire. Thankfully they were able to put out the fire before it spread to the woods. Truth be told I could have drowned those flames with my bladder but no one asked me. So, when its dry out and you feel like you should burn trash, don't.

After Nannys we took the 2 year old home to nap and headed to Target. That's when both Kristen's rocked my world by revealing to myself that I have an unhealthy addiction to stripes. Everything I wanted had stripes. Everything I tried on was unflattering and I left empty handed. But that wasn't without putting on clothes that were clearly meant to be in someone else's closet. I love them for trying but I still looked cray cray.

Friday traditions and baby goats.

As you all may know, Lillian and I pack up and head to a tiny little town to visit nanny and papa just about every Friday. Papa always buys us lunch at an old gas station turned restaurant and we get the same thing. every. single. Friday.

Anyone who truly knows me knows how much I cherish my time with my grandparents. I am blessed to have them only 15 minutes away! I hope they can see how hard I try to be the best granddaughter I know to be. If my other grandparents lived closer I can only hope we would have the same relationship. They have been given the gift of watching Lillian grow from week to week and watch me grow as a parent. They spoil us rotten, and we are not a bit ashamed of it. :) We don't only see Nanny and papa, we always get to see Poppy (my dad) on our visit to Hickory Tavern as well.  Poppy always takes Lily to the gas station and buys her candy and I always get a lottery ticket, I always loose and dad always wins at least 3 dollars. Lucky duck.

This week we got to meet a new member of the family and Lillian and I lovingly named him Roger. (We aren't even  positive he is a he.) But we think he loves his name anyways.

I see ALOT of my personality in Lillian. My love and compassion for animals for instance. Lillian is not satisfied unless she has paid every animal she comes in contact with some attention. She loves feeding the chickens and goats.  She has the biggest most tender heart and this mama is so filled with pride every time I see her love on one of God's creatures. She may look like her daddy, but she has some characteristics of her mama, and that my loves, is the best feeling in the world.

 Enjoy my Friday in pictures.

Roger is so tiny.

OK clearly this is gross...but so sweet at the same time.

always takes walks with Poppy to get the mail

coloring in the sand with her stink

light exposure was clearly alittle off....oops

converses, grass stains, and snot.

Before I became a mom I did not understand how people let their children look like little homeless people. They were covered in dirt, had runny noses and looked like they carried diseases. Toddlers are gross. They are messy little humans and they will roll in just about anything.

Let me just tell you a story in pictures.

My sweet, perfect, clean, snot free little lady started off the day with her hair in a little fountain on the top of her hair that smelled of baby shampoo. We headed downtown and immediately rode the trollie with "Bumpa" and the gang.

The moment that child spotted "the hill" it was game over. With all of the other messy children playing, Lillian had to join in. Daddy, Nina and I all took turns going down the hill with her on our tooshies. All of us had nice green pants to show for our hundred trips down the hill.

Don't judge me. I forgot the makeup at home.

We used our grimy little hands to feed the ducks.

We walked around downtown, where we ate our fair share of ice cream, funnel cakes and shared an icee. She also decided that her hair bow needed to be brushed out.

The only think my sweet monster wants to do is play outside. She loves "side", so outside we went.

getting sleepy but refusing to stop.

That's when my gremlin put lots of mulch in her hair. 

A dirty child is never complete without an overload of snot. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I would kiss that face anyways. 

Today was a great day. I will always hold on the memories like those we made today, even if my child is one of those children.